your. SMILE(:

im getting influenced aft reading some blogs
cuz apparently, they can blog abt almost everything.
i wonder how they do it though.
i shall try aft not properly blogging abt my messed up life for so many months.

listening to 一路向北 right now is so wrong.it just makes me more sad. but then again, i like that song a lot (: okay im supposed to be sad now and not smile. ytd was rly stupid. my mind was so damn jumbled up and i dont even knw how i shld feel aft everything. and so my mum called me during recess and blah. it was damn scary so i called her back and she say she wants to meet me aft school at orchard to do some serious talk.
and i knew i was dead from then. i mean like what else can be so serious other than _? and so throughout recess, phy lesson and chinese i was not myself. i look so pale dead and my stomach was lurching like crazy. its hard to even imagine the terror i felt rising in me when sch ended.
then when i finalyl met my mum for lunch i tried to pretend everything's alright but of course im not a good enough actor. she started asking me if i want to go swensen or hans or marche. and im like o.0 we hardly ever, or rather never, go these places to eat unless on special occasions so it just makes me more scared than ever. like wahpiang can. so nvm i say go food court eat. so then even when we eat she also nvr say anything but i knw its gonna be later.
and i was right obviously. then i realise why she wants to go to swensens and such places cuz itis more quiet. okay then like yah talk cry talk cry. disappointment. guilt. upset.

its not like i dont feel bad. i do the guilt in me is gonna burst soon. i knw i rly disappoint my mum aft all she has high expectations in me and i just, just didnt make her feel proud of me. THEN AGAIN, she makes it seem like it was a huge thing. she keep hovering on studies and yah sex -.- like helo?! sex is so aft marriage please. she wouldnt believe anything and i tried talking into her which failed apparently. she makes sweeping statements and generalised people. not everybody's the same and my fate and hers are diff. i guess almost al lher experiences turned out to be bad. thats why she THINKS that MINE fate and life and who i meet will be the SAME as hers. she keep insisting that shes right that it wouldnt last forever. and i was almost screaming at her that i DO put my studies as priority but of course she is just dammit adamant.

im not giving up on studies thats pretty obvious. NEITHER am i giving up on other stuff. fine, friends it shall be. but you cant stop the feelings and the emotional part. its nth you me and who can control. so thats that.
and thank you jodie! i bet you were damn relieved that there was absolute no calls for you ytd aftnoon right!? she knws everything alrdy anyw. i knw its so omg-ish. blame it on my luck.

walking back
hurt, way beyond bearing.